The other side

Having been a temp for years I am still not used to the idea of being or becoming permanent at a job. I have many habits that I probably will never break one of them being my referring to work as a "gig". I suppose it's the actor in me that won't allow myself to refer to it as anything else. I also fear treating my "day job" like it's my "real job" and my dear friend young Jasper warned me not to do that. Another thing is not getting too close to people. One thing that I learned as a temp is that you can't trust anyone at the gig. So due to this lack of trust I leave my outside life outside. Not my personal life but literally my outside life. Anything that does not pertain to working at said gig. They have no idea about my active social life outside of work and they certainly have no idea about the acting. Well, they do know that I majored in Theatre but they have no idea that it is my first love and that outside of the walls of this office I eat, sleep and breathe it. Mum has always been the word but I couldn't contain myself when the receptionist who worked downstairs inadvertently mentioned that she likes to take long lunch breaks so that she could go on "auditions". I tried as hard as I could not to say anything but as hard as I tried I couldn't contain myself. I didn't want her to think for one second that I planned on being her forever and the fact that I was secretly an actress slipped out. She promised not to tell anyone at the job. I told her it was my fear that they would know that I didn't want to be an Executive Assistant for the rest of my life as that is what they hired me to do and I didn't want to lose out on the opportunity to have a stable gig for a while. We spoke about acting in hushed tones and most recently I gave her information on some of the best acting schools in the city. The first on her list was the one that I studied at 5 years ago. A quick thought of their successful alumni flashed in my head but I let it go because I knew it was going to piss me off. She was hungry. Hungry for acting and stardom in the same way that I was just a few years ago. I still hunger now but I have found a way to contain myself so that I could make the necessary sacrifices in order to survive. She told me that she was a long term temp here and enjoyed sitting in reception because it gave her time to read and practice lines for auditions. Due to the switching of roles recently she had a new supervisor and was being given actual work to do. She mentioned that she didn't like it very much but she knew she needed to keep the job so that she could pay her rent. She recently spoke about having to move due to problems with her roommate and that was something she wasn't prepared to do. I sympathized with her. Friday she told me that she found an apartment that was nicer than she could have ever imagined. I told her to count her blessings since things had been working out for her so nicely.

Monday I came in and I didn't see her. I noticed a different receptionist in her usual spot and assumed that perhaps she called out for the day. The next day I ran into the night time receptionist and he asked me if I had heard about "our friend". As soon as he said that I knew that something shady had gone down. I had experienced this far too many times before. They ended her assignment. I also knew exactly who ended it. Due to a change in management not only was she given more work to do but the over seer didn't like her objecting to doing the work so just like that it was over. She had no idea it was coming. Just Friday the over seer was smiling in her face and talking to her. I remembered that I was down there speaking to her for about a half an hour and felt guilty knowing that I could have possibly contributed to her demise. Again, another example of how as a temp you can't trust people at the gig. You never know who for whatever reason may take the opportunity to abuse their power and make you disappear regardless of what your financial situation is.

This circumstance reminded me that I am now on the other side. The side where people you became cool with at your gig have no idea what happened to you and gossip about the possibilities. The side where they keep it moving whether you're there or not and though they mourn the loss someday they will forget about you. The side where the executives who loved the smile that you greeted them with everyday are oblivious to the fact that you are gone for good. For good as not allowed back onto the premises like you are a criminal for good.

Today I am finding it hard to be friendly with her former over seer. She smiles at me and all I can think to myself is "I know what you did". I remember the tears after having been foolish enough in the past to treat my temp gigs as though they were permanent. Rent would have been due in a week and that last paycheck would be all I had to survive until the next temp gig. Had I not had as much faith I would have never been able to move on. Each time an assignment ended I took it as a sign that not only would something better come along but that one day they would see me again and smile at how successful I had become at doing what really makes me happy. And that one day they would be envious because I moved on and they were still their in their respective positions of power counting the days to a redundant career in office management. I now wish the same success for the receptionist who shall not be named.

Let the hate begin

So I finally moved into the tiny office that I spoke of previously. My boss requested that I move in here since it would be a little closer to him and easier for him to reach me if he needs anything. Now if it were up to me I would have stayed right where I was but it wasn't. I moved in yesterday and the glares and whispers have already begun. In some ways the office lacks the privacy that I had in my little indentation. There was once a sliding door here that was detatched because assistants aren't really supposed to have offices, so to make it look less like an office it was torn off and sent to headquarters. Go figure. Everyone keeps their sliding door open anyway so you barely notice that it's gone. Not only am I getting looks from the haters but from the nosey parkers as well. I am placed near a corner and people can't help but to look in when they pass by. That will quickly start to annoy me. One of the directors that I support nearly broke his neck not too long ago trying to see what I had up on the computer screen. I now have to work on putting up some sort of distraction so that I feel more comfortable.

I have a lot to focus on this summer. Time to put my game plan in writing.

Closer

A week has gone by and I can't complain much about my new job. Although the pressure was put on when I met one of the elders that works here. During our first introduction, I strolled up to his floor to get a few supplies. He sat me down, closed his office door and told me that I was the first person of color ever in the position that I now have. Nice way to put a lot of pressure on me Uncle. I suppose I really have to be on my toes now:-/ I know he meant well but damn...

I am situated nicely in a little indentation between 2 offices. I am told that I may be moving to an actual office space. Now for some this would be ideal but for me it's not because it is entirely too close to my boss, the Editor in Chief. He will be able to see when I'm coming and going which is something that makes me feel very uncomfortable, since I'm late everyday, I enjoy taking long lunch breaks and disappearing a couple of times each afternoon. This week was busy as 2 Admins came in to train me. One of them was the woman who hired me, the other was her off spring. I was trained to do something that took me all of 10 minutes to learn. They came in from the Pennsylvania offices for this special training. Once the training was done by 9:30AM my trainer had nothing to do nor anywhere to sit which meant that for the rest of the day she was going to be squished up in my face in my once cozy little indentation stretching out projects to last her or us rather the rest of the day. Bless their hyper little hearts because there was not a moment of silence for the whole entire 2 days. Between the giggling and the gossiping by noon I felt like my head was going to explode. I was told that I was going to lunch with them on day 1. Not asked but told. I was planning on going to the gym but so much for those plans. I am also trying to be incognegro in this neighborhood, for a reason in which I will explain in a later entry, so the idea of sitting directly in the window of the Irish pub that we ate at was not pleasing to me. I walk around this neighborhood like a super sleuth and thanks to them my cover was nearly blown. After lunch they decided to take the long walk back so they or we could walk off the food. This was when I quickly came up with the idea of telling them that I had to go to Duane Reade to get something. By my not saying what I needed to get I hoped that they would get the idea that it was something personal. It could have been a depository, a douche or some feminine itch cream. I didn't care what they thought I just knew I had to get away and be by myself for a minute. I came out of Duane Reade with absolutely nothing and could have cared less what they thought when I came back to the office empty handed. There was a hen party for the rest of the afternoon in my indentation. It was loud. I even saw someone from the staff who is seated in an office across from me look out of her glass window and smirk. "Help me" I wanted so desperately to mouth to her but she looked away and got back to her work in her quiet, private area.

Day 2 of the hen party was a lot smoother. I came in with a different attitude and put my foot down about the stretching of projects for the whole afternoon. I was also trained on another program that only took 5 minutes to learn. I was told that I could play around with it for the rest of the afternoon if I wanted to. Hmmm "No thank you" I thought. Today I am on my own again. I suppose it is hard when you have someone new starting and you want to make sure they don't fuck up like their predecessor. But the idea of being babysat doesn't sit very well with me at all. At the end of the day I couldn't ask to be at a better place nor could I have asked to be working with nicer people. In spite of my sarcasm I know it is a blessing...

Smile fuh me

I just contacted one of the many agencies that have provided work for me and it felt so good telling them that I got a job. I have no idea what the future will hold for me (ie:how long I will be there) but damnit it felt good. It feels good knowing that I will have some stability for a minute. It's a very different feeling from what I ever had when I've been offered long term assignments. I always go into them with a feeling of uncertainty. But this time I am feeling secure and optimistic. And this morning for the first time ever when doing the annoying routine of signing into the building as a visitor even though I have been temping here for over a week and the security guards and reception should know who I am by now, I smiled for the camera. They take my picture everyday and I usually give them a look that says everything but f--k you, but today I smiled:-)

Got a new gig

I hadn't felt like writing much lately. My updates were becoming redundant as they pertained to work and this entry will still follow in that favor. It is possible that the people at my last assignment got a look at the blog entries that I had written about them. I was happy to have worked there for one week and one week only as it allowed me to pay my rent and bills for last month. One week into the assignment and the agency conveniently called me on Friday evening after I had finished my work day to tell me that the assignment had ended. On that last day I held my sweater in my hands and something told me not to leave it there because I probably wouldn't be coming back in the following Monday and I was right. Ordinarily I would have cussed out the recruiter for making me work the whole day before telling me that I wasn't going back the following week. But having been down this road many times before I couldn't be bothered, so I let it be. I had about 2 weeks off and interviewed for another spot in another area that I can't stand, across the street from Grand Central Station. I started the following Monday which ended up being my first and my last day. I hated it. It simply wasn't for me. The guy who hired me knew it and told me plain and simple that it wasn't going to work. I told him he was right and that I would be happy to call the agency in his presence and let them know I was leaving, which I did. He was kind enough to pay me for the day although I had only worked for about 5 hours.

I reluctantly submitted myself for a position with a new agency. I am very happy to say that I was offered the position. I will be working for the Editor in Chief of a popular Men's magazine. It is temp to perm, perm, perm, perm... The word that I am so afraid of. I fear it because it reminds me of being on lock down. Not like on lock down with a mate but more like on lock down in jail. Ahh but it won't be like jail because I will want to be there. I know that I have to stop trying to see the future as I do not know what it will hold. All I can do in the meantime is have a game plan. I also fear that the stability of the job will make me complacent. Which is something I do not want to become because I don't want to lose sight of my ultimate goals. But I know that I have to suppliment and my wish was to do that in a creative environment where I can be the artist that I am and I do believe that will be it. The stability will allow me to do what I have to do to move forward with my craft. I need to take a couple of more classes. I need to audition. I need to write. And the only way I can write is when I am supposed to be doing something else and I need a job for that. You can look at the dates of my blog entries and see what I am talking about. The last entry was written at my last assignment. This current entry is being written and my current assignment and I am sure that I will be full of stories at my next one...

He's creepy.

One of the pervs. I'm not sure if it's his water blue eyes that creep me out or the fact that I caught him watching me today. In that weird kind of way where you know that said person has been watching you for a while. Where you look up and they are focused dead on you. I was pinning some files together while the VP that I support was shuffling around the file cabinet. I looked up and met his eyes in a stare that had already been comfortably placed on me. He wasn't discreet about it at all and it made me feel icky. Dude was watching me. I gave him a fake smile but I put it in my head to remember to jot this down later in case I need to file anything, and I'm not talking about folders. Uh yah...

A couple more things about this gig. There is no water cooler. Not even a few bottles of water laying around. Nothing to quench your thirst other than the water that comes out of the bathroom faucet. They also lock away the supplies. All of which are a no frills brand assortment of supplies. Who would want to steal those? They are locked away in the oldest cabinet ever existence. The little key that you have to get permission to use from the Office Manager has rusted itself into a crisp. And I believe that the copy machine is the first model of a copy machine with a feeder ever made.

I know I need to stop picking at this place but I really cannot believe some of this stuff. I told Margaret that they are way behind the times. She said that she had been here for over 20 years and even she knew that. One good thing is that I have plenty of downtime but shit, what good is downtime without hotmail, yahoo or myspace?

The VP that I support started her journey toward my nerves today. She's a bit of a worry wort. Rather than letting me handle what she has asked me to do and keep quiet, she keeps checking up on things. Not big things but things like changing travel arrangements. My irritation with her was obvious. It was very hard for me to hide. She is very nice but niceness can easily be overshadowed by annoyance...

It's only temporary...

Sometimes a few days are needed to readjust from the old and prepare for the new. When I got a call from the other agency offering me a short term temp position I was reluctant to take it. I knew I needed to, but they wanted me to start the day after I was leaving my last assignment which gave me no time to put on my game face. I knew it would be asinine for me to say no so I decided that I would give it a shot and if i didn't like it I would just leave. Simple as that.

I was instructed to go to finger printing, which is an invasive process for all banks. When I awoke that morning I was feeling a little somber. I was being placed in the financial district, which by the way I cannot stand and I knew that there was about to be a major shift in energy for me. After temping for so long I have developed the amazing ability to know exactly what the inside of an office is going to look like when the agency tells me where I am going to be placed. I don't even have to step foot into the lobby. So ofcourse my premonition came true. This office was shitty. I made my way up to the 17th floor and entered a very lonely looking unit. I walked past the empty reception desk to look for, let's call her 'Margaret'. I was greeted by a lady in her mid to late 60's with dyed hair and a crop cut. She walked me past 4 women who looked just like her, same age, same haircut, same brand of hair dye. Finally she led me to Margaret who completed this set of quintuplets. I had just come from a funky office in midtown so walking into such an ancient environment made me somewhat uncomfortable. I knew instantly that I did not want to be there. Margaret showed me to my desk which is literally just an area placed between 2 cubicles. 2 other people's cubicles. A made up cubicle of sorts. The space between the 2 wooden desks that resembled an archaic unit that would be in your parents' garage collecting up dust held my chair. there were random water logged and dog eared papers spread around on both desks and on one of the desks was the most uncomfortable computer desk top set up ever imaginable. One where my back was facing the walkway and any and everybody who walked by would be able to see what I was doing on the computer. There were papers and notations pinned up on the cubicle that doubled as mine. Some dated back to 2004. Margaret then nervously showed me how to operate the phones that I had no intention of answering and explained that my log into the computer hadn't been set up yet. I haven't had a situation where I wouldn't have access to a computer for what ended up being 4 whole days in about as many years. I was used to companies being prepared for my arrival. This was just a reflection of this high profile bank where the moment I stepped inside of it's headquarters I knew was wayyyy behind the times. There were little to no office supplies. I noticed a tape dispenser with clear, shiny tape in it. Not the invisible type magic tape but clear, shiny tape that would rip off the top 2 layers of any sheet of paper. I dared not ask for a post it and I wasn't about to use the blotchy, topless papermate ball point pens that were hidden around the desk. I brought a good pen that I had a feeling I would have to keep a stern watch on from my stash of goodies from the last gig. But knowing I would be leaving here with nothing, I was beyond annoyed. I immediately knew I wasn't staying. Today would be my first and my last day. Margaret placed a very warm and sweaty hand on my back and began her 3 days of doing all she could to get me access to the computer. Within 10 minutes I was the most bored I had ever been in my whole entire life and I didn't do one thing to hide it. A few people walked by and introduced themselves. I made no attempt to remember their names, since ofcourse I wasn't staying. One of the quintuplets asked me if I was the new temp "Secretary" Secretary? I made a note to look that up in webster's as it wasn't a word that I was familiar with. I just sat there. For the next 4 hours, I just sat there. I occupied some of the time picking my cuticles to shreds and writing my name in bubble letters on a message pad. I later took a 2 hour lunch break and prepared to call the agency to make up any excuse to get me out of this assignment.

That night I changed my mind and decided to come back in the next day, but this day I knew for sure would be my last because again I had NO computer access. I told Margaret that the receiver to my phone wasn't working. She placed a call similar to the ones she placed to help desk requesting a 'rush' on my computer access password. I waited 4 days for a password, oh but they were on the ball with the new phone. As soon as my phone was working I was being eased into a job duty that I loathed. Covering phones. I admit that I am a spoiled temp and over the last year I have gotten used to answering only 1 phone line, usually my own. I was not used to covering phones for people who were sitting right next to me in the cubicles that doubled as mine and would know if I was ignoring it. The "Secretary" that sits across the aisle from me came over and introduced herself the previous day. She told me she liked my hair. I am now convinced that she added this little compliment because she knew that by mid afternoon on my second day she was going to start asking me to cover the department head's phone while she was away from her desk, which is OFTEN. This just bumped itself to reason #1 on the list of why I am not keeping this temp gig. I had also made the mistake of wearing a knee length skirt with high boots on this day. Each person that I passed looked me up and down. Especially Margaret. The perv factor is also in full effect. Two of the men that work here greeted me by saying good morning to my knees and taking random glances at them as they walked by my area.

Again, on this day I just sat there. For 7 hours I just sat there. I refused to bring in a book because I wasn't hired to read books to kill my time. I love reading my books but I knew the more occupied I looked the slower they would be on getting me access to the internet. They needed to know I was bored to tears. In my sitting there I realized what an attraction I was. A side show attraction of sorts. Let's see, I was black, I was under 60, I had on a skirt, my hair wasn't straight, I had on hoop earrings and I was a temp. Everyone passed by to have a look. I sat there like a caged attraction and mastered the most mundaine expression on my face that I held for the next 2 days until I finally got access to the computer. Finally!

By lunchtime I had a password so that I could log into the computer. Gyeah! I didn't have access to lotus notes yet, which I really didn't give a shit about since that would require me to be available to the people I was supporting and do something other than surf the web and write. One thing about banks though is that their networks are totally restricted. No hotmail, no yahoo, no gmail, no friendster, no myspace. All of these sites are what allows me to keep in contact with the outside world while I am locked into 4 walls all day. I knew it. Once again I was irritated. I thought that perhaps there was a slight chance that I would be able to access yahoo mail since I did see a couple of people with the site up at their desks, but they were looking at the weather or the news. As soon as you press the icon "yahoo mail" this comes up: THE BANK OF __________ COMPANY, INC. PROHIBITS EMPLOYEES FROM ACCESSING THIS INTERNET SITE.

HA! So after all my bitching and complaining I can only think of 2 websites to surf to occupy my time. Well, it's day 5 and I'm still here... I prayed on it and each day it gets a little better. Well, atleast my attitude does. I will continue to be available for work if something better or rather something where I can access my hotmail and myspace accounts comes along. Knowing that I have the freedom to leave if I want is liberating. I had a great audition last week. I didn't get the part but it was GREAT! And I look forward to auditioning a lot more this Spring as well as starting the pre production process for my show. Once again I am reminded of my purpose in all of this and in spite of all my whining I am grateful for my supplemental income.